Sunday March 23rd

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This week in “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up”: Trump played cleanup crew and finally revoked security clearances for Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris—aka the Deep State’s favorite pen pals. Took long enough, right?

Meanwhile, the government released more JFK files in a brave attempt to convince Americans that, no, the CIA definitely didn’t stage a 1963 Broadway hit in Dallas. Spoiler alert: they calmed exactly zero conspiracy theories and probably created three new ones.

In tech news, the IRS is now officially $15 billion over budget and still processing tax returns with what we can only assume is a fax machine from 1997. The Department of Governmental Embarrassment (DOGE?) says they’re about 30 years behind—so no, your refund isn’t coming anytime soon.

Elon Musk, America’s most unpredictable freedom fighter, is now threatening to sue a Democrat Squad member for libel. Honestly, watching Elon vs. the DNC is the Marvel movie we didn’t know we needed.

On a sad note, boxing legend and grill icon George Foreman has passed away. A true American original who knocked out more opponents—and burgers—than anyone in history. Rest easy, champ.

And finally, retail investors are piling into Tesla stock like it’s Black Friday at a MAGA rally. Elon’s fans are betting big, and Wall Street is trying to pretend they’re not panicking.

Let’s dive in before the IRS finds this email too high-tech to process.

So apparently, the new pastime for climate crybabies and rent-a-mob activists is gluing themselves to Tesla showrooms and pretending they’re saving the planet—by protesting the guy who literally makes electric cars. You can’t make this up.

Elon builds EVs. They block traffic, trash stores, and call it “justice.” We call it what it really is: more criminal chaos with a splash of irony and zero self-awareness.

We’ll let you decide…

Todays Mood:

The Rundown This Week:

Trump & Putin Tag-Team a Ceasefire—World Order Officially Glitches

In a plot twist that left the D.C. establishment clutching its pearls, Donald Trump picked up the phone, called Vladimir Putin, and in just two hours managed what years of “expert diplomacy” couldn’t: a 30-day partial ceasefire in Ukraine focused on energy and infrastructure. Yep, while Biden was busy tripping over sandbags and mumbling into teleprompters, Trump may have kickstarted a new world order—from his golf cart. The ceasefire could lead to full peace talks, including maritime negotiations in the Black Sea and, for reasons known only to geopolitical power players and Bond villains, the Middle East. Peace through strength? Imagine that.

Elon’s DOGE Uncovers 14 “Magic Money” Machines—Fed Finally Outed as Hogwarts

In the latest episode of America, But Make It Satire, Elon Musk told Ted Cruz that his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—aka the Deep State’s worst nightmare—found 14 magic money computers at the Treasury that can apparently conjure cash out of thin air. Yes, you read that right: literal money printers hiding in the bowels of government like it's a secret level in Mario Kart. Musk, who’s already trimmed federal fat and dared to ask bureaucrats what they actually do, might’ve just exposed the real inflation machine. Who knew auditing the feds would lead to uncovering D.C.'s very own Room of Requirement?

Turns Out $1.5M and Social Security Still Go a Long Way—If You Move to West Virginia

A new study confirms what every financially-savvy retiree with a MAGA hat already suspected: if you ditch the coastal chaos and head to the hills of West Virginia, your $1.5 million nest egg plus Social Security could stretch an eye-popping 54 years. That’s right—54 years of freedom, front porches, and government checks actually covering stuff. GOBankingRates ran the numbers and found that while states like California burn through your retirement like a Tesla battery on fire, good ol’ West Virginia lets your dollars breathe. Maybe the real retirement plan is skipping the big city and embracing low-cost liberty.

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Google Drops $32B on Wiz—Because Who Needs Antitrust Laws Anyway?

In its latest attempt to buy everything but your thoughts (for now), Google is shelling out a casual $32 billion in cash to acquire cloud security startup Wiz. That’s right—cash. As in, the kind you and I can’t get from the ATM without a 3-day hold. Wiz had originally ghosted Google’s $23B offer last year, holding out for an IPO… but apparently, everyone has a price, and Google's comes with a lot of zeros. The deal is expected to close next year—assuming antitrust regulators don’t suddenly remember they’re supposed to exist.

Starbucks Might Need a Refill—$2 Chinese Coffee Chain Invades NYC

Starbucks just got a grande-sized headache. Luckin Coffee, China’s budget-friendly brew boss, is setting up shop in New York City with $2 cups that make Starbucks’ $7 lattes look like luxury scams. After already stealing the crown in China, Luckin is coming for American caffeine supremacy—one underpriced espresso at a time. Starbucks, which already lost millions of customers last year (maybe people got tired of politics with their pumpkin spice), now has to compete with a foreign giant that doesn’t do foam art or social activism. Just cheap coffee. Imagine that.

What Else You Might’ve Missed:

Man Secretly Works 6 Jobs, Makes $800K—Capitalism Just Winked

Meet “Harrison,” a Gen X legend who’s figured out the American Dream: ditch the hustle culture by out-hustling the hustlers. He’s raking in $800,000 this year by secretly holding down six full-time remote jobs—and outsourcing the boring parts (like meetings) to a personal team of seven. It’s called “over-employment,” and apparently, it's trending harder than office mandates at Google. While HR departments scramble to decode Zoom attendance logs, Harrison’s busy cashing checks and redefining what “working from home” really means. God bless capitalism.

World’s “Happiest” Country Is Finland (Again)… Meanwhile, the U.S. Gets Ghosted

Apparently, freezing weather, 3 hours of sunlight, and reindeer traffic is the secret to happiness—because Finland just snagged the top spot again in the World Happiness Report, marking eight straight years of frosty bliss. Meanwhile, the U.S. and UK dropped down the rankings like a CNN primetime slot, with America proving that endless Netflix, skyrocketing rent, and TikTok therapy aren’t exactly fueling nationwide euphoria. Pro tip from the report: smaller households = sadder people. So maybe grandma moving in is actually good for your mental health… and your dinner.

AOC Crowned Dem Party’s “Core Values” Queen—MAGA Can’t Stop Laughing

According to a new CNN poll (so, grain of salt), Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is officially the face of the Democratic Party’s “core values.” And let’s just say—MAGA Nation is thrilled. Nothing says “2024 landslide” like handing the keys to the party over to a TikTok socialist with a flair for Instagram lives and economic theories that belong in a college dorm debate. While the Left celebrates their new “it girl,” conservatives are popping popcorn and watching the Democrats sprint further left into political oblivion.

Michael Jordan Banned from $1M Country Club—Apparently Greatness Isn’t Dress Code Compliant

Turns out even the GOAT can get benched—by a country club. Michael Jordan, six-time NBA champ and walking Nike empire, got himself banned from Miami’s ultra-exclusive La Gorce Country Club for the high crime of… wearing cargo shorts. Yep, $1 million membership fee, but heaven forbid you show up without the right pants. While DJ Khaled’s still on the waiting list, Jordan’s out here proving that no amount of rings can save you from the wrath of golf’s fashion police.

Nike’s Woke Walk of Shame: Sales Tank as Warehouses Overflow With “Who Asked for This?” Gear

Just (don’t) do it. Nike’s latest earnings report reads like a participation trophy in capitalism gone wrong—sales are tanking, fans are bailing, and warehouses are packed with unsold shoes and apparel no one asked for. The once-iconic American brand that used to rep grit and greatness is now stuck peddling overpriced activism stitched into sneakers. Turns out going woke does go broke—especially when your core customers would rather buy performance than politics.

3 Big Things That Could Mess with Your Wallet Next Week: 🗓️

Closing Thoughts:

Social Security Reform: Fix It or Just Pretend It’ll Last Forever?

Let’s talk about the national game of kick-the-can, also known as Social Security reform. It’s the third rail of American politics—touch it, and your approval rating spontaneously combusts.

On one side, we’ve got reformers saying, “Hey, maybe we should fix this before it runs out of money in 2034.” Their ideas? Raise the retirement age, tweak benefits, or (gasp) privatize parts of it. Makes sense—people are living longer, and we can’t exactly print money forever (unless you're one of those 14 Treasury “magic money” machines Elon found).

On the other side, you’ve got folks yelling, “Hands off my benefits!” and threatening to vote you into political exile if you so much as whisper “means testing.” To them, Social Security is a sacred piggy bank they paid into their whole life—never mind that said piggy bank has been raided more times than Hunter Biden’s hard drive.

Bottom line: one camp wants to save it, the other wants to stretch it out like yoga pants during Thanksgiving dinner—and Congress? Well, they’re too busy fundraising off the drama to actually do anything.

See you next week, unless the government defaults or your retirement age gets bumped to 78.