Sunday February 9th

Hope you’re all having a great week—unless you work for USAID, in which case, maybe update that résumé. Trump just axed 9,400 of your coworkers in his ongoing war against bloated government agencies. Meanwhile, JD Vance is now playing matchmaker for TikTok, because apparently, keeping China and Congress happy is his new hobby.

In other news, health experts (yes, the same ones who told you to eat bugs) now claim that being a couch potato could actually extend your life—so congratulations to everyone who skipped leg day for the last decade, you win. Meanwhile, The Simpsons voice actors are panicking that AI will replace them, planes keep mysteriously crashing, and the NFL is facing its biggest scandal yet: Did the script actually leak, or is this just Vegas running a next-level psyop?

Oh, and in case you missed it, Trump’s actual peace plan for Ukraine and Russia got leaked, and—brace yourselves—it might actually work. So naturally, DC elites are scrambling to discredit it, because heaven forbid we stop funding another endless war.

Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) just slashed 9,400 jobs at USAID, part of his mission to trim the federal fat. Some say this is the beginning of a much-needed government overhaul. Others think it’s just another headline-grabbing stunt. What’s your take?

Remember when buying a home meant a white picket fence, a backyard, and some good ol’ American freedom? Well, if you’re under 40, good luck with that. Thanks to sky-high interest rates, outrageous home prices, and wages that haven’t budged since flip phones were a thing, young adults are stuck in an endless loop of renting. Meanwhile, Wall Street investors are snatching up homes like it’s Black Friday, turning entire neighborhoods into overpriced rental units. But don’t worry—if they work hard enough, maybe their kids can afford a house… in the metaverse.

While some politicians argue over "gun-free zones" and "safe spaces," a group of Texas dads did what real Americans do—handled business. Four fathers, all military veterans, stopped an active shooter at a high school band competition in Pasadena, Texas, before law enforcement even had time to put their coffee down. Their quick thinking and bravery prevented a potential tragedy, proving once again that the best response to danger isn’t a strongly worded memo, but good guys with a plan and the courage to act.

In a move that will no doubt send the liberal media into a meltdown, President Trump signed an executive order banning biological males from competing in women’s sports. Common sense? Absolutely. Controversial? Only if you think fairness is optional. This decision comes after a wave of young female athletes have been forced to compete against male-born athletes, losing scholarships, titles, and opportunities in the process. But as always, Trump is putting America First—this time, for the girls who just want a level playing field.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy thought he was making a bold statement when he proudly announced that he’s housing an illegal immigrant in his own home. Because, you know, laws are just suggestions these days. Enter Tom Homan—former ICE director, Trump’s border czar, and a guy who doesn’t play games. Homan made it crystal clear that harboring illegal immigrants isn’t just a progressive virtue signal—it’s a crime. And now, Murphy might be facing more than just bad polling numbers. If Democrats thought ignoring immigration laws was a winning strategy, they might want to reconsider… preferably before Homan shows up with handcuffs.

For years, the Department of Education has been a bloated bureaucracy filled with leftist pencil-pushers making sure kids learn more about pronouns than American history. Well, President Trump has a different idea—offering buyouts to staffers who aren’t on board with his plan to drain the education swamp. Translation: If you were hoping to keep pushing radical woke nonsense, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Naturally, some in the department are panicking, but for the rest of America, this could be the first step in actually fixing a broken education system.

David Sacks, venture capitalist and now Trump’s official “Crypto Czar,” just made it clear—crypto is getting a real seat at the grown-ups' table. On Tuesday, Sacks met with Republican lawmakers to outline a regulatory framework that doesn’t crush innovation under a pile of government red tape. Translation? The days of crypto being the Wild West might be coming to an end, but in true Trump fashion, it’s about turning that chaos into a gold rush for Americans who are actually paying attention. If you thought Bitcoin’s best days were behind us, you might want to rethink your portfolio.

Elon Musk just pulled another power move, and this time it’s shaking up Washington. His newly minted Department of Government Efficiency (yes, that’s a thing now) has reportedly gained access to the Treasury Department’s $5 trillion payment system. If that sounds like the setup for either the greatest financial innovation of our time or the most chaotic tax season ever, you’re not alone. Naturally, DC bureaucrats are sweating bullets at the thought of Musk streamlining their cushy inefficiencies. But hey, if he can make space travel cheaper, maybe he can fix government spending, too.

Great news, folks—NASA just upped the odds of a “city-killing” asteroid smacking into Earth by December 22, 2032. The chances are still just 1 in 1,500, but that’s slightly more concerning than your odds of winning the Powerball. If it does hit? Well, let’s just say your HOA rules won’t matter much anymore. While NASA’s working on its planetary defense game plan, maybe it’s time for Washington to stop arguing about plastic straws and start focusing on not getting obliterated by space rocks.

Well, here’s a plot twist: socialist Bernie Sanders and conservative firebrand Josh Hawley are teaming up to push a bill that would cap credit card interest rates at 10%. That’s right, two senators who usually wouldn’t agree on what to order for lunch are now fighting to make sure Americans don’t keep getting gouged by Wall Street. Trump made lowering interest rates a campaign promise, and now it looks like even Bernie is jumping on board. We’re not saying pigs are flying, but we are saying your bank is probably panicking right now.

While the stock market teeters and trade wars loom, JPMorgan Chase just made a $4 billion bet on gold. That’s right—one of the biggest banks in the world is preparing a massive bullion delivery this month, right as gold prices keep climbing. With inflation still lurking and the Fed flip-flopping on rate cuts, it seems like Wall Street’s big players are quietly shifting toward real assets. If history tells us anything, it’s that when the big banks load up on gold… they’re probably hedging against a storm on the horizon.

Well, well, well… it looks like America’s workforce just got a wake-up call. After years of workers bouncing from job to job like they were swiping on a dating app, the so-called Great Resignation is officially dead. Turns out, those endless job-hopping, work-from-a-hammock-in-Bali dreams hit a little speed bump called economic reality.

The data is clear: fewer people are quitting, and more workers are staying put. Why? Maybe because companies finally stopped throwing signing bonuses at every candidate with a pulse. Or maybe it’s because Bidenomics has left us with inflation that makes even a grocery run feel like a luxury expense. Either way, people are realizing that stable paychecks, solid benefits, and actual job security aren’t the worst things in the world. Who knew?

Of course, none of this would have happened if we had Trump’s roaring economy back. Remember when jobs were plentiful, wages were rising, and gas didn’t cost as much as a steak dinner? The workforce thrived because leadership actually prioritized American workers instead of making everything about climate change and diversity quotas. But hey, maybe this return to job stability is a sign that people are waking up—because at the end of the day, a strong, resilient workforce is what built America in the first place.

Now, let’s make it great again.