Sunday April 6th

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Because someone’s gotta translate the chaos into common sense.

Well, that escalated quickly. Trump’s new tariffs just hit the global economy like a freight train covered in American flags—and let’s just say the usual suspects are panicking harder than a Prius at a diesel truck rally. European leaders are crying foul, the media’s in meltdown mode, and Wall Street’s doing its best impression of a fainting goat. We know—there’s definitely a sticker shock factor right now when you peek at your 401(k) or retirement account. Markets dipped, accounts wobbled, and your financial planner probably took a “mental health” day. But let’s hope this is just the short-term turbulence that comes before the long-term gain. Because one thing’s clear: this move lit a fire under foreign governments and legacy media like they just sat on a lit grill.

While the global elites hyperventilate, President Trump is playing 4D chess—and winning. This week, he continued his cleanup tour by showing the NSA and Cyber Command boss the exit door. Efficient. Presidential. On brand.

Meanwhile, Senate Republicans are putting in overtime, fast-tracking tax cuts like it’s 2017 all over again—because letting Americans keep more of their own money is somehow controversial in D.C. but totally normal in the real world.

In business news that feels like a joke but isn’t, Tesla deliveries fell off a cliff, and Elon might be ghosting Dogecoin. Even stranger: Hooters is reportedly rebranding into a family-friendly chain. Thoughts and prayers to pubescent boys everywhere.

And in pure Trumpian fashion, the Gold Card dropped. Yes, that Gold Card—$5 million, his face on it, and rumors it lets you skip the immigration line. Liberals melted down, patriots grinned, and somewhere, Gavin Newsom Googled “how to apply.”

To top it all off, retail investors are storming back into the markets like it’s GameStop 2.0. Robinhood’s alive, TikTok traders are back, and everyone’s chasing the next big win—because under Trump, Americans don’t just survive, they swing for the fences.

Bottom line: The left sees chaos. We see strategy. The pain? Temporary. The payoff? Trump-sized.

POLL TIME: Trump’s Tariffs—Power Move or Painful Misstep?
This week’s tariff announcements have globalists panicking and America-first patriots cheering. But where do you stand on Trump’s economic power play?

Todays Mood:

The Rundown This Week:

Gold Hits All-Time High, and It’s Not Done Yet—Bank of America Says $3,500 Is on Deck

Despite a slight hiccup from Trump’s America-first tariffs (sorry, globalists), gold’s still shining brighter than Hunter’s laptop under a blacklight. After smashing through $3,000 and hitting $3,139.90 an ounce, Bank of America says it’s got more room to run—like, $3,500-an-ounce kind of room. The big driver? Not just inflation, but central banks hoarding gold like it's toilet paper in 2020. So whether you’re stacking bars or just watching the show, one thing’s clear: in Trump’s economy, hard assets are king—and paper promises are starting to look pretty flimsy.

Jobs Surge While Media Tries to Find a Cloud in the Silver Lining

March brought a dose of economic reality the mainstream media can’t spin away—228,000 new jobs added, crushing the “expert” prediction of 135,000. While Biden-era economists scramble to explain why they were wrong (again), America under Trump 2.0 keeps proving that common sense beats central planning. Sure, the unemployment rate nudged up slightly, but let’s not forget: under this America-first leadership, people are working, businesses are hiring, and we’re not pretending bartending gigs count as "green energy jobs."

Say Goodbye to Your Miles and Cashback—Because Politicians Want to “Protect” You (From Your Own Wallet)

Just in time for summer travel, a quiet little war is being waged on your credit card rewards—and surprise, surprise, it’s not Trump’s doing. Thanks to a growing push for state-level price controls (because nothing says freedom like bureaucrats telling banks how to operate), your hard-earned points, miles, and cashback perks could vanish faster than Biden from a press conference. This isn’t just about free flights—it’s about economic freedom. They’re coming for your rewards, and calling it “consumer protection.” Translation: you get less, and Big Government gets more control.

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Main Street to Trump: Keep Dishing the Tough Love—The Economy’s Finally Getting Off Life Support

Nearly 100 days into Trump’s return, business leaders are tossing out B+ report cards and actual optimism—something we haven’t seen since before Biden tried to turn the economy into a group project. Trump’s no-nonsense, pro-business approach is hitting all the right notes with small business owners and job creators who are finally feeling heard. The Freedom Economy Index is flashing green lights, and even consultants are admitting: the economy’s not winning yet, but it finally has a shot. As one expert put it, “He’s trimming the fat.” Translation: the gravy train for bloated government programs might be over.

American Couple Freed from Mexican Prison After Timeshare Nightmare

While Biden would’ve slept on it and then called it diplomacy, President Trump actually got it done—freeing an American couple rotting in a Cancun prison over a shady timeshare dispute. Christy and Paul Akeo were accused of defrauding a resort out of $116K, but thanks to Trump’s intervention (and a little help from Rep. Tom Barrett), they’re now sipping freedom on a private jet back to the U.S. Moral of the story? When Americans are in trouble abroad, Trump doesn’t wait for permission—he picks up the phone and makes things happen.

What Else You Might’ve Missed:

Bill Ackman to World Leaders: Call Trump Now… Before Your Economy Gets Tariff-Slapped

Billionaire finance bro Bill Ackman just gave world leaders the kind of advice they usually pay consultants millions for: Pick up the phone and talk to Trump—now. With President Trump dropping tariffs ranging from 10% to 50% like it's deal season at Home Depot, global markets are sweating. But Ackman’s message was crystal clear—negotiate fast or watch your economy get steamrolled by America’s comeback train. Spoiler alert: Trump’s not bluffing, and this ain’t 2016 anymore.

Amazon’s New Deal: Buy a Hyundai, Get $2,300… and Maybe a Free Government Spy Device Too

Because nothing says “freedom” like buying your next car from the same place you order toilet paper, Amazon is now in the auto game—offering $2,300 in gift cards if you snag a Hyundai through Amazon Auto by April 15. Trade-ins? Financing? All online. Sounds convenient… until you realize Big Tech already knows what snacks you buy and now wants to know where you drive. Sure, $2,300 is nice, but let’s not forget—under Trump, we valued Made in America and freedom of choice. Under Bezos & Co.? We’re one step closer to driving government-approved, Alexa-equipped Teslas on CCP surveillance mode.

Trump Closes the Chinese Bargain Bin—Say Goodbye to $3 Phone Cases and Hello to American Jobs

President Trump just slammed the door on a major online shopping loophole that let foreign retailers flood America with cheap junk—by slapping a 30% tariff on all sub-$800 orders. Translation: your $4 AliExpress impulse buys just got a patriotic price tag. As part of his “Liberation Day” plan, Trump called out foreign nations for treating the U.S. like a clearance rack. Wall Street might be sweating, but Main Street’s cheering—because this isn’t about cheaper junk, it’s about bringing back real jobs, real value, and reminding the world: America First is back in business.

Zelle Pulls the Plug: 150 Million Users Left Wondering Where Their Money Went (Hint: Not to Ukraine This Time)

Zelle, the digital payment app used by 150 million Americans, just ghosted everyone—officially shutting down its stand-alone app and sending users into full panic mode. No more quick splits for dinner, rent, or bailing out your broke cousin. The change was announced months ago, but like most things not run by Trump, people hoped it wasn’t actually happening. Spoiler: it did. Now you’ll need to access Zelle through your bank—because apparently convenience is no longer part of the user experience. At least when Trump says he’s shutting something down, it’s China’s trade imbalance—not your ability to Venmo your babysitter.

Double-Tipped and Double-Irritated: Burrito Buyer Gets Guac, Rice... and a Double Dose of Gratuity

In today’s episode of Why Everything Feels Like a Shakedown, a burrito-loving patriot just wanted to grab some takeout—but ended up tipping not once, but twice for the privilege of picking up their own food. After getting charged two gratuity fees (for what, exactly—walking in the door?), the customer unleashed their fury on Reddit, where fellow users confirmed what we already knew: tipping culture has officially jumped the shark.

Hooters Doesn’t Need a Rebrand, It Needs a Revival

Hooters just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy—and instead of returning to its glory days of wings, beer, and iconic orange shorts, word is they’re eyeing a “family-friendly” rebrand. Because when you're struggling, why not alienate the only people still showing up for the, uh... original attractions? Let’s be real: Hooters was never about the napkins. It was about the burgers, the beer, and yes—the boobs. The solution isn’t a kid’s menu—it’s a comeback tour. Bring back the bold, the fun, and the curves that built the brand in the first place.

3 Events That Could Impact Your Wallet Next Week: 🗓️

Closing Thoughts:

America - Is This Just Turbulence, or Are We Losing Altitude?

Look, as red-blooded, Trump-loving, freedom-defending Americans, we’ve been through a lot. From mean tweets to media meltdowns, we’ve stood by the man who brought back "Merry Christmas" and made Air Force One cool again. But lately—between inflation that won't quit, markets throwing tantrums, and gas prices that make you nostalgic for the horse and buggy—it’s fair to ask the question:

Are we still flying toward the promised land… or are we circling the drain with a gold-plated compass?

On one hand, Trump’s still the only guy who can walk into a room and make China nervous. He’s got the guts to say what everyone else whispers. He made peace deals, boosted the economy pre-pandemic, and reminded every American that it’s okay to actually love America again. The media hated him for it, which means he was doing something right.

But on the other hand—even for the most loyal MAGA hat owner—there’s a whisper in the back of our minds: Is this part of the plan, or are we stuck in a holding pattern waiting for economic gravity to chill out? Is the Trump train just rolling through a rough patch, or are we going full speed toward a financial fender bender?

Maybe it’s the Fed, maybe it’s the deep state, or maybe it’s just that cleaning up a Biden-flavored mess takes more than one presidential term and a few executive orders. Either way, it’s not wrong to ask the question—even if your truck has more Trump 2024 stickers than actual paint.

So where do we land?

At the end of the day, we’re still betting on Trump, Elon, Doge, and the Great American Comeback. Because while the ride might feel like Spirit Airlines with no seatbelts and extra turbulence, we know who’s in the cockpit. It just wouldn’t hurt if someone passed out an extra free beer and maybe dropped the price of ‘life’ while we’re at it.