Sunday April 13th

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Well, that escalated quickly...

Another week in America, and Trump’s got the economy playing 4D chess—tariffs flying, China sweating, and the media trying to figure out if it’s chaos or calculated genius. Our guess? Both. The man just slapped 145% tariffs on Chinese imports like he’s clearing out the final boss in an economic video game. China fired back with 125%, which just proves who he’s really playing against.

Meanwhile, the Democrats are suddenly throwing around insider trading accusations, which is adorable considering their portfolios somehow always beat the S&P. Maybe we should ask Nancy for stock tips. Inflation? Finally heading the right direction, and while no one’s saying it’s magic, let’s just say leadership that puts America first tends to help.

Also this week: Don’t buy Walmart salads unless you enjoy roulette with your digestive system. A bunch of top law firms just agreed to provide $600 million in free legal work for causes Trump supports—turns out executive orders still get the job done. The cost of water is soaring, turning basic utilities into a budget line item, and corporate bankruptcies just hit their highest levels since 2010. One more thing: a Florida teacher got canned for ignoring the law and calling students by alternative names without parental permission. Crazy times.

Markets are shaky, China’s grumpy, and lawyers are finally doing something useful. But gold’s flying, tariffs are back, and America? Still standing tall.

They say inflation is cooling—kind of like your 401(k) during a market dip. But are you actually feeling any relief, or is your wallet still in panic mode?

Todays Mood:

The Rundown This Week:

Wall Street Experts Shocked: Inflation Drops, Common Sense Wins

In a plot twist no one at CNBC saw coming, inflation actually cooled faster than expected last month—dropping to 2.4% instead of the forecasted 2.6%. The Consumer Price Index said “calm down,” and the markets responded with their usual flair for drama. Economists, who somehow always get paid whether they’re right or wrong, were stunned. Meanwhile, Trump supporters are out here quietly thinking: maybe strong trade policies and energy independence have something to do with it? Just a thought.

Markets Rally After Tariff Whiplash—Wall Street Breathes, Barely

After a rollercoaster week of tariff tantrums and trade war tension, U.S. stocks pulled off a surprise rally Friday. The Dow surged 600 points, while the S&P 500 and Nasdaq posted their best weekly gains since 2023. Investors, apparently immune to motion sickness, decided to buy the dip after digesting the latest U.S.–China trade chaos. Moral of the story? Even in economic warfare, Wall Street still loves a good Friday rally—especially when Trump’s playing hardball and the markets start betting he’ll win.

Trump Slaps Tariffs—World Lines Up to Talk. Again.

Turns out when Trump says “reciprocal tariffs,” he means it—and now Indonesia and a handful of others are racing to the negotiating table like it’s Black Friday at the White House. After last week’s tariff announcement, countries are suddenly very interested in cutting a deal. Funny how tough talk and economic pressure actually work when you're not trying to win a global popularity contest. America First? Looks like it’s working—again.

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Some Retirees Get a Raise—Social Security Tosses a Bone (Finally)

In a rare plot twist that doesn’t involve cuts or delays, some retirees will actually see bigger Social Security checks this April. Thanks to changes involving the Windfall Elimination Provision (WEP) and Government Pension Offset (GPO), certain public-sector retirees who were previously shortchanged might get a retroactive boost. Before you celebrate too hard, though—Social Security says to wait until April to see if you're one of the lucky ones. Classic bureaucracy: hurry up and wait.

Oil & Gas Exec Buys Tesla to Trigger the Climate Mob—Mission Accomplished

In what might be the most ironic power move of the year, US Oil & Gas Association president Tim Stewart bought a Tesla—not to save the planet, but to “protest the protesters.” His EV of choice? A silent, battery-powered middle finger to climate activists. The best part? He’s charging it with natural gas-generated electricity, making it the most patriotic Tesla on the road. Bonus points for backing Elon, who’s been catching heat lately for not falling in line with the progressive outrage machine.

What Else You Might’ve Missed:

Gen X and Chill? Not When Retirement Looks Like a Pipe Dream

According to a new Fidelity survey, 45% of Generation X isn’t confident they’ll be able to retire “when and how they want.” Translation? The MTV generation is now the ROI generation—and the numbers aren’t adding up. With market volatility, rising costs, and economic policy whiplash, it’s no wonder Gen X is side-eyeing their retirement plans. Maybe it’s time they looked beyond Wall Street portfolios and considered—oh, we don’t know—hard assets like gold? Just saying.

Financing Tacos Now Comes with a Side of Credit Damage

Yes, you can now buy a burrito today and wreck your credit tomorrow—welcome to the world of “eat now, pay later.” Apps like DoorDash are letting users finance their fast food, turning $12 lunches into long-term liabilities. Experts are calling it predatory. We’re calling it peak 2025. One analyst put it bluntly: “If you're financing tacos, you probably shouldn’t be allowed near a mortgage.” Personal responsibility? Still on the menu—if you can afford it.

NASA DEI Chief Launched Into Unemployment After Attempt to Hide Her

In a move that’s less rocket science and more common sense, NASA quietly fired its top DEI executive after trying to camouflage her role from the Trump administration’s crackdown on woke bureaucracy. The now-former diversity officer once argued that deadlines hurt inclusion—because apparently schedules are oppressive now. Trump, along with First Buddy Elon Musk, continues his mission to scrub DEI from federal agencies, proving once again that space exploration works better without identity politics weighing it down.

Tax Day Is Coming—Cue the Panic (and the Receipts)

In case you’ve been too distracted by tariffs, TikTok bans, or the price of eggs—Tax Day 2025 is right around the corner. April 15 is your last shot to file your 2024 return without inviting Uncle Sam’s wrath in the form of late fees and penalties. So if your financial plan has mostly involved denial and crossed fingers, now’s the time to dig up those W-2s, log into TurboTax, and pray you didn’t write off your dog as a dependent again.

Trump Torpedoes IRS Crypto Rule—DeFi Gets a Stay of Execution

President Trump just signed a bill nuking the IRS’s expanded crypto broker rule, which tried to rope in DeFi platforms under the same reporting requirements as traditional exchanges. The rule, quietly finalized during the final gasps of the Biden administration, had crypto advocates fuming, warning it would crush innovation and drive developers offshore. Trump’s move signals a clear shift: less regulation, more freedom, and one giant middle finger to bureaucrats who don’t understand blockchain but still want to tax it.

Ripple Drops $1.25B on Hidden Road—Goes Full Wall Street with Crypto’s Biggest Flex Yet

Ripple just pulled off one of the largest power moves in digital asset history, dropping $1.25 billion to acquire prime broker Hidden Road. That makes Ripple the first crypto company to own and operate a global, multi-asset prime brokerage, giving Wall Street some serious decentralization envy. With Hidden Road’s reach across FX, digital assets, derivatives, and more, this isn’t just a crypto deal—it’s a declaration: Ripple’s not playing the game, it’s rewriting the rules.

3 Events That Could Impact Your Wallet Next Week: 🗓️

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Closing Thoughts:

Tipping Fatigue – Are We Being Played or Just Cheap?

Let’s talk about a uniquely American experience: tipping. What started as a way to reward great service has somehow morphed into a mandatory guilt tax, now built right into your digital checkout experience—whether you interacted with a human or not.

Here’s the current reality: You walk into a restaurant, order on an iPad, seat yourself, maybe get a water refill if you’re lucky, and then—boom—your bill shows a mandatory 18% service charge, plus a friendly little screen asking if you'd like to tip 20%, 25%, or “custom tip” (aka you're a monster if you choose $0). All for what? For scanning your own QR code and carrying your food to the table?

The Case For Tipping:

Tipping still provides a lifeline for underpaid service workers, many of whom rely on those extra dollars to get by. It also incentivizes better service and gives customers some control in rewarding effort. The restaurant industry’s wage structure has long been built on tipping, and removing it could mean higher base wages—but also higher menu pricesand fewer jobs.

The Case Against:

But now, we’re tipping without service, getting hit with non-optional “service charges” and asked to tip again on top of that. Some call it double-dipping, others call it digital panhandling. And when the iPad turns to face you with the cashier watching, let’s be honest—it feels less like gratitude and more like a hostage situation with a 20% ransom.

So here’s the question: Is tipping still a fair way to support workers, or has it become a sneaky upsell dressed in virtue? Maybe it's time we admit the system is broken—and start demanding either transparent pricing or real service in exchange for the extra cash.

We’ll let you decide… just don’t forget to tip your email writer. (Kidding. Kinda.)